i'd like to thank the Academy.

Giiiiive me a break.
You 'Google Alert'ed yourself? HAHAHAHA! I don't care how many times you've been on Fox News. That's just... actually, the correct adjective escapes me at the moment, but I'll get back to you on that one. Promise.

But seriously. Thanks for the exposure, Mr. Snell. Really.
And thank you, John Welch, for... for... wow, for being twittrigger-happy for that better part of an hour. While you continued on with your unintended promotion--free of cost, (hey, the best PR is the kind you don't have to pay for) I just kind of sat there, peppermint tea in hand, jaw on the floor. I'm a little ashamed in retrospect that I couldn't come up with something more to say than "easy, tiger." But really.

He spent minute after minute, tweet after tweet, hammering home the notion that I'm nothing more than a... oh, hold on. There were a number of handles he gave me, and they were all too great to leave out:

PRECIOUS!
FEARLESS!
COURAGEOUS!

Wait, it gets better..

STUPID!
DUMB!
DUMBER!
RETARDED MAYFLY!
NEW MEDIA DOUCHEBAG! (My personal favourite)

Also, apparently all of my "little friends" and I have "the attention span of a fly in a puddle of Redbull."

And the award goes to Mr. Welch for Most Original Insults This Side of the Interwebz...lolwut.

Honestly though, retarded mayfly? All the cough syrup in the world couldn't inspire my brain to think that one up. Nice work. I can only assume that kind of genius is the product of the generation of kids who grew up with lead paint on the bars of their cribs.

In all seriousness, I need to make some clarifications for those of you who went rabid when I said the iPad was useless piece of technology. Maybe that was a little vague. What I should have said is that the iPad is an irrelevant, unimaginative piece of technology. Yeah, that's what I mean. Which, you know, some could argue renders it useless in today's market for fancy gadgets.

And just for the sake of flogging yet another dead horse, the 13" TV : 30" TV ::  iPod Touch : iPad. I get the oversimplified analogy, ok? But that's just the problem. It's oversimplified to the point that it's a terrible analogy. Bigger screens / more pixels alone does not make for a more innovative or useful product. It's the guts that give something like a tablet more capabilities. Like, saayyy... multitasking, for instance. Just saying.

Anyways, I've ridden this horse as far into the sunset as I care to. She's on her last legs, and my pizza pocket is getting cold.

Cheers, nerds.

UPDATE: the adjective is 'lllllllame.'